This is story of when I died.
I grew up in a very religious, Christian home in small Virginia town named Meadowview. My parents loved me, disciplined me, and taught me to always trust in God. I was baptized when I was about 7 years old and it felt AMAZING. Unfortunately, that’s really the last happy event on this side of the story. My mother had a terrible disease called Crohn’s which is essentially bleeding the colon, many family members passed away from cancer and I was forced to grow up quickly. When I was 10 years old I discovered pornography and became mentally imprisoned by it. My view of women was twisted and I begun trying to find joy in relationships. However, due to my weight, no one wanted to talk to me or hangout with me. I was the outcast of my community and felt no joy in anything. Church became a part of a religious checklist to satisfy my family and I stopped reading the Bible. This failure to find joy and my addiction to porn created a mountain of depression and decrease in self worth. By age 12 I no longer felt worthy of life and convinced myself that no one loved me. One night I decided that I was done fighting and grabbed a shotgun. I sat on the edge of my parents bed and began to go down the list of people in my life and decide if they loved me. I went through my parents, brother, grandparents, teachers and friends in my head. At the end though I remembered someone else: Jesus. I tried every way possible to convince myself that Jesus did not love me but I couldn’t find one reason. That day, I died. Not physically of course but in a spiritual, emotional sense. I begun to find delight in Jesus and it dragged me out of my dark mindset. It didn’t happen overnight but God continued to heal me. My depression was lifted over the coming years and at 16 I quit pornography and rededicated my life to Jesus. I felt the call to teaching and began to seek wisdom at all costs. Fast forward to now at 19 years old and I am radically changed by Jesus Christ. The Gospel is my everything, there is no other joy greater to me than to serve the Creator of everything.
Through Jesus Christ and His Holy Spirit I have been healed of depression and suicidal thoughts. He alone is my Joy and Shield, the Anchor in the waves, and the Sword for my battles.
Philippians 1:21
“For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.”