Coming to Jesus has truly been a journey to the sweetest love I have ever known.
Despite growing up attending church and Christian school for most of my life, it wasn't until I was thirteen years old that I decided to make my relationship with Jesus personal. Before this decision, I had only known of Jesus, but I hadn't truly known Him. If there truly was a God like the one I'd heard preached about my entire life- a God so loving and powerful and gracious and real, I wanted to know Him and be known by Him. If I could say that my life changed drastically in that instant when I took the first steps of acceptance and obedience, my story would be a much neater and prettier picture. However, this wasn't the case. Instead, my story is one that is messy and broken, yet full of redemption and grace. I quickly learned that walking with Jesus wasn't a one-time decision, but deciding everyday to make this journey with Him.
Over the years, God has reveal His heart to me in ways I couldn't even imagine. There was a point in my life when worry controlled me completely. I would worry over even the smallest situations, but my greatest worry was not knowing what the future would hold. I worried that I would never find my calling, that my life would have no purpose, that I would never be passionate enough to truly serve a King. I allowed the enemy to feed me these lies until I believed them. This caused me to want to control everything! Already, I had taken my life back out of the hands I had just surrendered it to as if my problems were too big for Him to handle. During this time, God patiently taught me what it was to completely rest and trust in Him. He showed me how to trust that He is sovereign and truly good. Even as He wrecks my plans, I trust Him as a Father whose ways are higher than mine.
While walking with Jesus, I have fallen into sins that caused pain and scars. Once again, I believed lies from the enemy. I pulled away from Jesus, taking my sins with me. I wanted to hide the broken mess that I was. I believed that I was unworthy of the forgiveness and grace being offered to me. I was careless with my heart at the time. I allowed what looked like love to take the place of the true love of Jesus. I ended up heartbroken and devastated. It was an intense pain that could have been eased if only I had been holding onto Jesus completely. Instead, the heartbreak brought a heavy sadness on my life. The depression affected so much of my life. Most days, I couldn't bear being with friends and family for the fear that they would see too much. Even in this hopeless time, God was speaking to me. I felt little reminders that I could run back to Him and His love would be no different, that He could heal the broken mess I'd made. I'd heard the stories of "coming back" to Jesus, but now, I finally felt it for myself. When I ran back to Jesus, when I laid my heart back at His feet, when I asked for healing and forgiveness and peace, He held nothing back. Grace and true Love washed over me and it was so overwhelmingly real. Jesus began to romance me back to life. He let me believe that every sunset, beautiful sky, every flower, and sweet song, and good laugh was His gift to me. And still, the sweetest gift is that He allows me into His presence. The more I seek Him, the more He reveals Himself to me and it's more beautiful every time.
I am no longer afraid of the unknown, sin and sadness have no hold on me, my heart is safe in the hands of the Lover of my soul. I believe that my brokenness humbles me to see just how He's made me whole again. I pray that God is glorified by the power and mercy that He shows in the midst of my messy story. Now I walk in the beauty that is His love...certainly the sweetest love I have ever known.