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Perfectly Ruined.

Looking back at who I was just even a year ago, if you had told me I would be where I am in my life now, I would have never believed you.

Just like many of the testimonies you will ever see or read, I was raised in the church by a great Christian family. I loved the Lord from an early age and knew who he was (or at least I thought I did). Coming from a family with divorced parents, things were difficult and not because my parents didn't try to make things as normal as possible. The church I grew up in really gave me a strong foundation that I really clung to despite all of the adversity that I would end up facing. Growing up in public school was so difficult. I was always that kid who was bullied, rejected, picked on, and forgotten about. By the time I finished high school, I was such an angry and dark person. What light I did have had been blown out like a candle extinguished by the draft of a bitterly cold winter wind. I had my head filled with so many lies about myself. In hindsight, I realize now how fooled I truly was.

"His love is the frame that holds me through it. I'm perfectly ruined."

After all of the things I had been put through and the way I had been mentally, emotionally, and sometimes physically abused by people; I found myself feeling so empty and having no sense of self worth at all. I found myself to be worthless, undeserving, weak, unlovable, like I didn't do enough, like I couldn't do anything right, like I was too broken, I was too ruined, like I had messed up too much, like I couldn't be repaired, I was too damaged, that I had fell too hard and would never recover, I was too obnoxious, like I had no purpose, and that the world would be better off if I were just dead and gone. Sounds overwhelming right? It was all-consuming and I felt like I was drowning.

My anxiety and depression had completely consumed me. It had for years. I decided I couldn't take it anymore and that I needed to end it. I remember driving home and looking for a place where I could run my car off the interstate and end it completely. In that moment, the holy spirit spoke to me more clearly than I had ever heard it and he promised me he had more for me but that I had to trust him. He also reminded me that this life was not mine to take and I had to make a decision. Next thing I knew I was in a new church and two awesome guys named Logan and Devin invited me to Chi Alpha. The rest is history. The Lord completely transformed me from the inside out and made me new. I was baptized again this summer and I have my new start. God healed me of my anxiety, I got away from the job that was sucking the life out of me, moved into my very own place, and God hit restart on my heart. I am the most free I have ever been, have the best friends I've ever had, and I'm the strongest I've ever been thanks to Him. Gods Grace came and overflowed upon me in ways I had never imagined it could. I never would have pictured that he would captivate my heart the way he did or that he would chase me down the way he did. In him I found love and acceptance beyond what I could have ever imagined and he gave me people who love me in the same way he loves me. Lamentations 3:21-24 says "But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; The Lord is my portion, says my soul, therefore I will hope in Him."

I came to realize I am a mess and I am ruined. The difference is He that is in me is perfect therefore I am not just ruined; I am Perfectly Ruined by his spirit that lives in me.


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