Before I started living for God, I would have described my life as broken. Empty. Dark. I come from multiple broken homes. Life hasn't always been good.
I only spent about four years of my life with my biological parents. They were both addicted to drugs and alcohol. My father was always in and out of jail. At one point while he was in jail, my mother was allowing multiple drug addicts to live with us. One night, she wouldn't let my brother and me stay home. When we came back the next day, our trailer was on fire. One of the people living with us set it on fire with her in it.
My father had just got out of jail around this time. I stayed with him for the next year of my life. After my mother died, he turned abusive. Some nights he would lie on top of me just so I wasn't able to breathe. By the grace of God, the school my brother was attending found cigarette burns on his feet and we were removed from the home.
Although the bad times were not over yet. It seemed as if we were removed from one abusive home only to be put into another. Although this time I had to stay for ten years. This abuse wasn't the physical kind. This abuse broke the spirit. The amount of emotional turmoil I faced held me in bondage for years. I was either at school, or locked up inside the house. The trauma of this led to a crippling fear of being alone that I have dealt with for years now.
At sixteen, I was finally able to escape it. I moved in with my Heaven sent, great-aunt and uncle. Four months after moving in with them, I got my first boyfriend. It was the happiest I had ever been in my life. Tragically, seven months after getting together, he ended his own life.
Up until this point, I had been able to manage. But after this happened, a darkness fell over my life that consumed me for almost four years. I had known of God all through this, but I did not have a personal relationship with him. Although after Brendan committed suicide, I decided that he didn't exist at all.
Despite all of this, I moved on with my life. The darkness made sure to follow. I went on to college, and did not expect to find what I did. On move in day, a wonderful member of Chi Alpha came up to me in the middle of Walmart (of all places) and invited me to an event. I made it known from the start that I did not believe in God, but that I would come. This is where my story with finding God really starts. People began to speak life over me and early on God was working for my good.
I did not see that at first though. At first, I was very heavily involved with sex and drugs upon arriving to Radford. I had sex because I needed validation from people. I smoked because I couldn't handle living in my reality.
Then one amazing night, God came to me in the form of a dream. In that dream, I was in bed with a stranger and I was high. At first, it felt exactly as the enemy had planted in my head so long ago. It felt like I was escaping my pain. Then, the high wore off. I was surrounded by darkness. I felt suicidal in my dream. The power of this dream was enough to change my ways on the spot. I finally realized that only God could take away my darkness.
So he did. I called upon God and ever since, he has given me new life. The darkness that was inside me was replaced with a desire to seek him. It was replaced with a love that I can't even comprehend. Now even on my bad days, I know he is in control. I used to fear death, not knowing what would happen when I would die. Now I know that I will safe in the arms of my heavenly father. Oh, and remember the crippling anxiety I mentioned I would get when I spent time alone? Now, my greatest joy and stress relief comes from evenings spent alone with God in the secret place.
Psalm 91:1